The mother of all updates

So it’s about time I posted a serious update here. There’s been a lot going on!

But first, a side note. Over the years, I’ve had people comment about how much I share on this blog. I never know whether to tilt my head to the side in puzzlement when someone says that, or to laugh. Because there is so much – SO MUCH – in my life and in my brain that I don’t air out in this blog, for any number of reasons. On the other hand, though, I think it’s important to be open and maybe even a little brave about one’s struggles; if we all pretended everything was always okay, how lonely would each of us feel? Wouldn’t each of us feel uniquely inadequate, if no one else was honest enough to admit their fears or challenges?

Trust me, I don’t choose to write about my sleep apnea or any other challenge because I think it will get me attention! LOL But I will be very honest about the last few months because someday – maybe even today – someone else will be able to relate, and won’t feel so alone, or maybe I’ll even have some nugget of wisdom to share that might help someone else. So here goes.

On October 1^st, my job was terminated.

It was a pretty good job by most standards. I was paid well, and got a great bonus just this summer. I worked with a group of outstanding people. I had a boss whom I still consider one of my dearest and closest friends, as well as a wonderful father figure.

There were reasons why I was unhappy there, too, but I won’t go into those. But as far back as last January, I was starting to ask myself if this job (and the information technology industry in general) was the right place for me to be.

I wanted to feel that what I was doing was meaningful, and really making a difference in the world. I briefly had a chance to work on a process improvement project, which I had thought for a couple of years was the direction for the future of my career. It was a fortuitous window into a job that seemed, to me, to involve a lot of work writing documentation that no one wanted to read. Back to the drawing board.

I felt drawn to a career in alternative medicine. I agonized about this for MONTHS. (I didn’t blog about it at all, as there were co-workers whom I knew were reading, and I wasn’t ready to make any kind of announcement.) I did my research, found a program, and registered for a biochemistry course that I needed as a prerequisite for the program. I told myself that I would do this so I could at least have the option of entering the program, should I make that choice. The program is several years, expensive, and full-time, so I experienced a tremendous amount of angst about it. But I was serious enough about it that for several months I raised the possibility of a career change with my friends and eventually my family.

Finally, in September, totally frustrated and desperate for change, I decided that I would go for it. Sensing some inexplicable urgency, I completed my application to enter this program on September 30^th. The next day, my job was terminated.

I need to tell you that I wasn’t let go for performance reasons. I’d done well at my job and worked hard to maintain the quality of my work even as I was contemplating my exit.

People often ask me if I was surprised by my employer’s decision. The answer, honestly, is yes and no. There were a lot of organizational changes taking place, and yet I felt that I’d filled a unique and valuable role there. Enough said.

Was I upset when I received the news? Not really. As part of the termination, I received a severance package (and payout for unused vacation time) that in essence paid me my salary until the middle of January. So basically I was getting a bit more income than I would have if I’d worked until the last day of December and then quit to go back to school! AND I would have the time to rest and be refreshed before starting this very intense training program. It was as if the Universe had rented out a flashing neon sign pointing the direction to my future. And brought out a cot so I could have a nap while on my journey there. :)

The same day that my job was terminated, I hustled my application to the school I’ll be attending and arranged for all the transcripts to be sent. Honestly, I don’t think I would have had the presence of mind to WRITE the application and its various essay components if I’d had to, but fortunately I’d listened to that voice of intuition the night before and the weeks prior, and so it was pretty much ready to go.

The next day was harder. A week or so prior, I had organized an after-work get-together in honour of my dear friend and co-worker Nancy, who was moving on to a new job. I met my now-former co-workers at the bar as planned and felt very sad about the way that I was parting company with them (rather than the school send-off that I’d fantasized about on a daily basis just to get me through my workday frustrations), and also knowing I’d truly miss working as part of a team with these amazing and wonderful people. But I had no choice but to move on …

Of course, the time of my job’s sudden end coincided with some severe news regarding the world economy. I couldn’t stop reading the dire articles and columns, but I suffered significant anxiety on a daily basis those first few weeks. I can wholeheartedly recommend the following products: Rescue Remedy and Traditional Medicinal’s Easy Now herbal tea. They didn’t alleviate the anxiety, but allayed it significantly and helped me to deal with it.

One of the things that really, truly helped me in the month that followed was the career counseling I received from a wonderful person named Maggie. We had regular one-on-one sessions in which we discussed my talents, my interests, and the decisions I had to make. She listened to my self-doubts – both recycled and fresh – and refuted them in a way that I couldn’t resist. She believed in me, and caused me to believe in myself. May all of you have such a person in your lives. She also had the life experience to help me feel comfortable with and confident in my career change, and in the forgiving plasticity of life when met with the resourcefulness of an intelligent, networked person.

Another thing that helped was my friends. I can say I’ve truly been surprised at who happened to be there for me; some people I truly hadn’t anticipated were pivotal in keeping me grounded and sane. So to those of you who shared a meal with me or sent me an encouraging e-mail or took me out for a long walk and listened to me or just chatted with me on Facebook without knowing anything was wrong, thank you. You know who you are. Some of you never received a response from me after you sent me an e-mail. I apologize for that, and hope for your forgiveness. It is surprising how busy one can be even when one is only marginally employed.

Along the way, I got a part-time job at a clothing store. That’s another post, but I have to remark here that it almost fell into my lap. After the last few months, I’ve become a firm believer in divine guidance.

And finally, there was the biochemistry course. I started it a few weeks after my job ended, and the first class was a revelation. I knew – KNEW – I belonged at that school and in that program. I no longer have the anxiety that had been a daily companion.

To be sure, there are many things to be worked out yet. And there will be a great deal of work and sacrifice involved in launching my new career. But I truly feel that I am doing what I’m meant to do, and that I am not alone. And that is simply priceless.

There’s a lot more to share, and maybe I’ll write more about it again soon, but for now it’s time for bed, and tomorrow there will be work at the clothing store, and some studying for my biochem final. I figure you might need some time to read this update anyway. :)