Integrity

"When I'm not doing something that comes deeply from me, I get bored. When I get bored I get distracted and when I get distracted, I become depressed. It's a natural resistance, and it insures your integrity." -Maria Irene Fornes

My classmate Dimpi posted this quote on her Facebook profile a week ago or so, and I've thought about it a great deal since I first read it. I find the way Fornes describes her self-sabotage and relates it to her integrity fascinating. And I've wondered ... in what other ways could seemingly unproductive behaviour keep us from violating the deepest and truest selves?

Like maybe my awkward behaviour around that person I really really liked until I found out that he was a bit of a philanderer? Or the reserve I've felt around someone that I just couldn't shake off, and then I realized that they have a pattern of inappropriately crossing other people's boundaries, or betraying friendships? What if, deep inside, my instinct/intuition has done a fantastic job of sussing out the situation, but my head hasn't yet caught up? Wouldn't that conflict create some confusing/inexplicable thoughts and behaviours?

A conversation with a friend last night made me do a LOT of processing and thinking today (along the lines above), and I think I'm going to give my intuition more credit going forward. It's worked well for me in the past, in retrospect. Integrity has always been very important to me, but now (as a result of mulling over this quote) the meaning of the word is even richer - it includes being true to myself at my deepest core. And I can't do that unless I stop fighting that instinctual understanding and pay attention to what I may already know but haven't figured out.

Starting today, integrity doesn't just mean decency and keeping my word. It also means being patient enough to hear - and trust - that still small voice, and to live in congruence with my core.

I may not have fleshed out this discussion sufficiently, and I may revisit this topic in the future, but these are my thoughts for now. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this. Feel free to comment below. :)